boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Follow me for more life hacks.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
🙄😏😂🤣
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what