My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom