roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
We need more people like this.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.