I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.