Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.