Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand