FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!