One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.