Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I am HOWLING at this
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.