[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
won’t smith
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.