Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I love it all
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.