DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Cheer up.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile