Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
$4 #usedbooks
These are my emotional support Pringles.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?