Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
You Might Also Like
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”