Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You Might Also Like
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]