*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.