This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
You Might Also Like
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
and now we wait
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.