Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.