Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.