how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.