me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*