Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.