The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.