My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Today’s Times
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
men are simple creatures
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.