[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m giving up for Lent.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.