[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching