Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.