Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The game has officially changed 😎
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.