Modded the new Gran Turismo
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Life cycle of cat
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Who did it better?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear