*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out