Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Ah..makes sense now
sounds kinky. i’m in.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter