Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
You Might Also Like
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise