Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Buying a well is money well spent.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this