“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions