Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
my astrological sign is a french fry
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.