Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”