Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while