I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.