I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.