I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
This has made my week.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Tuesday