i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Banana is the quietest snack
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.