Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Two types of dogs.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
wish me luck lads
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.