Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I put the hot in psychotic.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.