Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that