I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.