I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo