Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.