My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Always
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!