[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together