i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me irl
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
fired
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.